Raising a son is a whole lot different than raising a daughter. That statement can be reversed just as easily, but the dynamics in raising either are very different. When it comes to mothers (and fathers) raising daughters, it is a matter of showing love, but when it comes to mothers raising sons, it is a matter of showing respect. Showing respect to your son is more important than showing your love? Well, not exactly, but yes. If you are a mother of a son, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, PhD’s Mother & Son is a book you should read. There really is a difference between our sons and daughters and with that a different way we should love (respect) them.
As a mother, I am excited for my sons to grow up, but also still hold in the back of my mind that they are my “little boys”. It does not matter that they continue to age every day. It also does not matter that my oldest is already a teenager and will soon be a man. I love my sons and always let them know that through physical and verbal exchanges. What I think they need – love – may not be exactly what they really need from me. Although love is very important, Eggerichs believes it is respect that is the key to a son’s heart.
In Mother & Son, Eggerichs introduces the respect message and explains to mothers the steps to incorporate it into their mother and son relationship. Eggerichs calls the experience “The Respect Effect”. He notes that as far back as the beginning, Jesus taught that “males and females are not the same.” It is a simple fact, but when it comes to relationships with our sons and daughters, mothers treat them the same. This is where the breakdown occurs. By respecting our sons, regardless of their age or our previous experiences with them, we can create a better relationship with them. Remember this:
”Men and boys are far more sensitive, vulnerable and reactionary to feeling inadequate and disrespected.” ~ Emerson Eggerrichs, PhD.
Although your first thought may be that your son should respect you. He should, but your son also has a need and as his mother, you need to fill it. As a mother, that may seem unnatural to you and that is why Eggerrichs shows mothers how to acquire the skill in Mother & Son.
“We’ve coached fathers on how to love their daughters, but we’ve not coached mothers on how to meet the need a boys has to feel respected for who he is.” ~ Emerson Eggerrichs, PhD.
Eggerichs covers several topics in his book:
Chapter 1 Why This Book?
Chapter 2 Understanding What Respect Looks Like to Boys
Chapter 3 A Game Plan: Mom G.U.I.D.E.S. with Respect
Chapter 4 Seeing the Man in the Boy: His Six Desires: C.H.A.I.R.S.
Chapter 5 Conquest: Respecting His Desire to Work and Achieve
Chapter 6 Hierarchy: Respecting His Desire to Provide, Protect and Even Die
Chapter 7 Authority: Respecting His Desire to Be Strong and to Lead and Make Decisions
Chapter 8 Insight: Respecting His Desire to Analyze, Solve and Counsel
Chapter 9 Relationship: Respecting His Desire for a Shoulder-Shoulder Friendship
Chapter 10 Sexuality: Respecting His Desire for Sexual Understanding and “Knowing”
Chapter 11 An Empathetic Look at the Motherly Objections to Respecting a Boy
Chapter 12 Forgiveness
Eggerichs delves into each topic sharing a number of examples. Chapters 3 (your role) and 4 (son’s role) provide good insight into the roles we hold in the relationship. There are also examples of ways to interact with your younger or older son. Chapter 11 hits on a number of objections you may have been using as motivation for the way you interact with you son. Eggerichs gives great examples of why those objections should be reconsidered.
Watch the six Mom Misconceptions videos.
“As mothers and grandmothers, women, it is never too early and never too late to begin applying this respect message. Boys are never too young and never too old. ~ Sarah Eggerichs
I am still reading through this book and think I will have to read it a second time. I have seen myself in several of the chapters; the way I have been responding to my sons. There are some easy changes I can make now to improve our relationships, but other changes I am going to have to work through over time. Mother & Son has given me a new perspective and encouragement towards building a stronger relationship with my sons.
More about the author: Emerson Eggerichs has a B,A, in biblical studies rom Wheaton College, a MA in communication from Wheaton College Graduate School and a MDv from the Unviersity of Dubuque Theplogical Seminary. Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, are the parents of two adult sons and one daughter and present the Love and Respect Conference.